If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
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So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside