I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
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Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
How all things should be taught/explained.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.