Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
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Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.