5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
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Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.