THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
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i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE