me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
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ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
they finally got him. they got macavity
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.