I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
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(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady