I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
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[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Thinking about Jeff
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
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