To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
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the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.