I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
You Might Also Like
how it started vs how it ended
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.