I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
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does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that