Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
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*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute