[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
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[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Need WebMD
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Guys, I found it.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?