Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
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My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
This is me
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.