cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
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Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping