Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
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As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Guy who likes music
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies