I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
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God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?