Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
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I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
the Monday after daylight savings
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
The Sun
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car