Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
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The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.