am i feeling hopeful about the future?
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Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Rambo Rambow
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
This could be us… but you playing
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Me too door. Me too.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Never let them know your next move 😂
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.