My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
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“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
What
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem