[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
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Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Remember folks 😂
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.