“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
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Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
A Short Story.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!