spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
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my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
#dalle2
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate