[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
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I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)