[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
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my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony