Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
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When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
🌱🌱🌱
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
everyone has that one prude friend
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.