2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
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Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes