My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
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Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks