Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
You Might Also Like
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
I occasionally drink every single night.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.