My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
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SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.