Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
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It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
These aliens are taking forever.