The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
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Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Battery falling down a hole
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard