[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
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ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
DOOO EEEET
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”