Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
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“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away