Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
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“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.