I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
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The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention