Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
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If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!