Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
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I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Um … Hot Wings please
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
for all #parents out there
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane