friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
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My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Dune (2021)
That’s incredible! 👌
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
guilty
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.