Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
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To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*