Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
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my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”