{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
You Might Also Like
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean