For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
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Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.