[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
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You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.