Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
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Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice