Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
You Might Also Like
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
A bold strategy
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless