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ME: Oh no.
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me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Come back with a warrant
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*