me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
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My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market