I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
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Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
🙄😏😂🤣
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids